|
'How
to' hints #6
by
Pat Morrissey
Reproduced
from in focus 67 (February
2000)
This
month, we're focusing on UNDERWATER PHOT0GRAPHY,
And
'HOW TO' tells you all you need to know to be an expert in
this fascinating field! It's amazing what some people get
up to underwater, and now YOU can join in the fun!
P.S.
Be sure to look out for our special offer later in the year
- a free set of steak knives, with every underwater catnera
housinq!
HOW
TO: run an underwater photography course
1.
Be sure that you don't advertise it properly, this will put
paid to over-crowding, and leaves plenty of spaces for those
last-minute, cutprice inquirer's who always ring up the night
before and who, in some cases, are willing to pay cash.
2.
Ensure that any accommodation is considerably below par. Couples
must only ever be allotted twin beds, those requiring baths
must be given showers (with hot water as optional extra),
and no mattress must exceed the 'Pentonville' standard of
2" thickness when dry(ish). Hotel or boarding-house food
ought never to be too plentiful, and courses run aboard live-aboard
boats must be held in the Egyptian Red Sea so as to maximize
the chances of dysentery, pox, 'the runs', etc.
3.
Never inform potential clients of the need for specific vaccinations
until actually en route to the site. Affect surprise at reports
of outbreaks of the Black Death in Bournemouth; flatly deny
the existence of mosquitoes in Sipadan or anywhere else remotely
'foreign'. The key is to be just - but only just.
4.
Tell clients (who have paid in full) that there may be some
need for pre-course reading and/or home study. Clients who
have yet to cough up may be left in blissful ignorance. However,
when meeting all clients on the first day of the course ensure
that pre-packed cartons of 'lesson plans' are not only available,
but read, insisted upon by you and your minders. Assure clients
that there will indeed be a written exam upon completion of
the course, and that all results - however pathetic - will
be published in full in 'The Sporting Life'.
5.
Always rehearse that 'throwaway' remark or humorous story
before the commencement of each course; in addition, make
sure you use them, no matter how often they've been called
upon in the post. (If it was good enough for your father,
then it's good enough for you ... )
6.
Where conceivably possible, engage a member of your family
(or a close friend) to help you on the course. They con be
introduced as 'experienced old hands' or 'willing models',
depending on age, sex, etc. They must, of course, spend every
waking minute praising any type of photograph taken by even
the most half-witted of clients, whilst all the time regretting
that *Pity you weren't here last week ? we had humpback whales/schools
of dolphins/doncing mermaids", etc.
7.
A simple one, this, but so often overlooked - do remember
to keep your eyes open for any decent ideas thrown up by a
student, and then capitalize on it yourself at some later
date.
(N.B. This need be no more than 2 hours later, to allow for
the legendary British sense of fair play).
8.
When replying to the inevitable questions on underwater photographic
'hardware', ensure you write the name of your sponsoring company
or family-run business on a board so that all students can
get the correct spellings, e-mail addresses, etc.
9.
When traveling abroad en masse, 'forget' to tell clients of
the full extent of their baggage allowance; your own excess
baggage can then be fairly re-distributed before check-in.
10.
If developing slide-film aboard for a photo course, never
forget that, in their haste to get dive and photo gear dried
and safely packed, most divers won't bother to examine your
charge sheets too closely. Those who do, and who then allege
that there must be some discrepancy, can have their details
given anonymously to the local drugbusters police unit for
extended 'debriefing'.
(N.B. Don't over-use this tactic, one example goes a long
way, and too frequent a 'sacrifice' tends to make the local
low enforcement overzealous).
11.
Some time prior to the commencement of the course, ensure
that all those attending are aware of your favorite tipple.
When subsequently offered gifts, don't embarrass the giver
by too great a show of surprise, modest delight will do, In
the event of being offered a gift which is definitely not
what you hinted at, be gracious - after all, it cost you nothing
and should the donor still possess a receipt, it may yet be
redeemable.
12.
Make it a rule not to 'name-drop' no more than once an hour
? and do gauge the age/memory/intelligence of those on the
course. It does no good, for instance, to boost about your
having had the first aqualung in England if half your listeners
think you're on about a 1971 Jethro Tull album.
13.
Upon no account allow the conversations of others, after a
hard day's diving, to fall into awed silence as they hear
you declaim to a snoring drunken client that "Now, the
really interesting thing about underwater photography
(TO
BE CONTINUED)
Reproduced
from in focus 67 (February
2000) |
