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Last
time they allowed me out, dear reader, I let slip a few tried
and trusted remedies concerning getting your dive bags past
the Forces of Oppression ranged against you at the Check In
Desk, (hereafter FO and CI respectively). Of course, this
is the easy part; try as we may, it's not often that we can
exceed the 40 kg mark with the trusty dive gear alone, and
as was intimated last time, who bothers to take more clothes
with them on a dive trip than a few pairs of shorts and a
couple of T shirts, anyway? Like everything else, though,
there's a certain level of brutality involved when lugging
camera bits and pieces through the airports of the world,
still feeling brave? Then read on...
No,
the tricky part of the whole procedure is the hand luqqaqe
- particularly for photographers, who tend to like having
bodies and lenses within caressing-distance at all times.
Add to this the underwater photographer's desire to have housings,
ports, supplies of spare batteries and film in the same proximity,
and you can see the problem. Many's the time I've watched
some poor diver jettisoning all extraneous clothes, emergency
supplies (alcohol, biscuits, teabags), and indeed the very
last shreds of human dignity from their over-weight hand luggage,
in an effort to placate the FO at the CI. Sometimes they'll
even abandon items of delicate dive gear in order to get below
the stipulated weight level, reasoning that they can always
hire another computer/ lamp/reg, etc., at the other end
There's
no need for this at all, at all, at all. Let's get a little
Zen about this, shall we? What would a wise man like Lao Tsu
have advised? Ah well...
As
before, preparation ion is the key to success - after all,
you wouldn't feed a starving dog a rubber bone, would you?
Or maybe you would - but why die the death of a thousand cuts
while waiting in the check-in line, a-wonderin' if this is
going to be the time that the fickle finger of fate points
at you? Try this simple process on for size:
Step
1: Ensure that you really do want to take everything you've
placed in a loving heap of prospective 'hand luggage'. Many's
the dive photographer who's had to watch his mates wave goodbye
to him as he's strapped to an ambulance man's stretcher in
an effort to get the kinks out of his shoulders and spine
from heaving too hard at grossly overweighted hand luggage
while still in the terminal. Have a hard look at all this
ergonomically-designed, high tech camera gear in front of
you, and ask yourself if it's really quite so delicate as
you think. Housings have to withstand surge, surf, and clumsy
handling by soaked dive-boat crews - could they not somehow
survive careful packing in your main dive bag? Ditto that
underwater torch, and the computer too (I said this was a
brutal process, didn't I?)
Step
2: OK - you've whittled it down to just the essentials'-
and you're still in the 20-30 kg area. Now's the time to get
angry, rnad - really quite peeved, in fact - at the vicissitudes
of the pastime YOU'VE decided to follow (unless you're a non-camera-toting
partner, in which case you are guaranteed to become everybody's
darling - at least until they've purloined your weight allowance).
Get all that rage out of you now, because it'll be no good
to you at the CID. Then, when you're mind clears and you've
done a course in transcendental meditation, then, and only
then, go out and get yourself all or any of the following
items:
a)
A large burnbag, to be sited in the small of your back with
the businessy bits of buckles and such in the front.
b)
A coat-of-many-pockets, or 'comp'. Our transatlantic cousins
sell these as 'vomps', being under the illusion that a coat
is in fact a vest. (Just don't get me started)...
c)
Combat trousers, i.e. baggy strides with button-down pockets
at kneecap level. Nicely out of fashion now, except round
Surbiton way, and therefore cheap.
d)
One of those sly two-section rucksack jobbies, which comprise
of entirely separate sections fastened to each other with
velcro and buckles. (More of these later)
e)
A large, dedicated photographic knapsack, complete with
adjustable straps and padded belt to fasten round your waist
(in case the weight of the 'essentials' makes any belt stitching
tear away from your shoulders).
Step
3: Now, this is where things get interesting, and please
bear in mind that everyone has their own system for packing
because people's priorities are different. This would be my
own suggestion, however: you can decide things for yourself.
First,
let's get rid of the batteries problem. Being electrical,
and therefore showing up in scanners like the proverbial
sore thumb, these are going to attract the FO's attentions
no matter where you put them. Given this, and the fact that
they are HEAVY (man), it makes sense to pack them in something
easily portable, swiftly unpackable, and - in the event
of having to leave something behind and buy more en route
or at your eventual destination - entirely disposable. Thus,
the bumbag; having it round your waist (as previously described)
may make your legs go numb but will allow you every chance
to get said items through check-in without being penalized.
And you don't want to be penalized at the CI do you? (Nor
picked up by the fuzz, neither!)
Secondly,
the 'comp' can be a godsend for 'wearing' more of your camera
gear than is usually advisable or sane. A veritable cornucopia
of lenses, film cassettes, and even camera bodies, can be
stowed in the dazzling array of pockets, and then zipped/velcroed
shut for security. This is not the most comfortable of scenarios,
but it can be effective; I would advise you, however, that
it pays to repack as much of such delicate gear into the
official, piece of hand luggage (see below) as soon as it's
safe to do so. I once found a lovely 105mm Nikkor lens rolling
down the fuselage of the aircraft and bouncing off seat
supports as we approached Egyptian air-space, precisely
because its owner had omitted to do this. (But I gave it
back, didn't I, Mr. Steve Warren?)
Thirdly,
the combat fatigues. These are only just better than nothing,
but they do have the extra pocketry, with all the advantages
mentioned above. However, do remember that a stout belt
is often advisable with a well-laden combat trouser, since
the weight of secreted lenses, fi Im, etc., can cause said
strides to work their way south with hilarious consequences
for everyone but YOU.
Fourthly,
the two-part rucksack. This is a comparatively recent piece
of equipment, and must have been made with the u/w camera
carrier or terrorist/spy in mind. They really come into
their own in those situations when baggage is being very
carefully inspected, or even weighed in front of you, before
receiving the necessary chalked 'OK' sign. You simply ensure
that the upper, strapped section (which you will be allowing
the FO to check) is at near enough the standard weight limit,
while leaving the real weight in the other compartment which
you have detached and left with a friend for a little while.
The kosher bag gets the big OK, you reattach the heavier
section at your leisure, and you stagger casually on into
the Departure Lounge.
Ace-King-Queen-Jack,
as they say...
The
final element in the equation - to wit, the custom made photographic
rucksack, or official piece of hand luggage - is self -evidently
used for the very purpose for which it was designed. Pack
as much as you like into it, and then allow for the possibility
of being nabbed by having any one or more of the foregoing
items readily available for the 'Emergency Decant' - a manoeuvre
which no one thinks they can perform untiI one day, at Heathrow
and quite out of the blue, they surprise themselves.
If
I hear tell of any better stratagems, dear reader, then rest
assured I shall pass them on - after I have,'of course, carried
out the necessary field research myself.
UntiI
then, it's merely a question of -
Nurse!
The screens! This one's coming round!
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